Should you Stay in Touch with the Family of your Ex-Spouse?

Marriage entails not only a union of two individuals but also a meeting of two families and a wider web of extended relations. However when the marriage is legally dissolved, the bond between all the families is naturally strained. Whether the network will survive the strain and tear apart depends on several factors.

The most important consideration while determining whether you should stay in touch with your ex’s family is how close you have been to them during your marriage. If you have enjoyed a good relationship with the parents and/or siblings of your former partner and if that relationship was always independent of your ex’s presence, then there is no harm in wanting to try and stay in touch. In fact if your former in-laws had emotionally mature people and been genuinely attached to you, after the divorce they may even surprise you by calling and asking how you are getting along. This in itself can make a big difference when you are feeling down. However don’t complicate things by trying to cry over their shoulders, letting them know your side of the story and the reason for the separation. No matter how much they love you, they are always going to feel loyal to their own child. So avoid talking against your ex, because it is only going to backfire. Instead keep your sob story for your friends and parents, or even your therapist.

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A far more crucial circumstance is when you have biological children with your ex. In such a situation it is natural of your former in-laws to expect to remain in touch, since your kids are their grandchildren and thus direct descendents. This becomes especially tricky if you have not had a good relationship with your in-laws and even suspect them of being a contributing factor to your divorce. However children need all the support and love they can get in the aftermath of a divorce and if you believe that your ex in-laws can provide that, it would be a good idea to allow them to spend more with your kids. The bond between grandparents and grandchildren is special so don’t do anything to make your children hold you responsible for taking that away from them.

Even if you have agreed to let your kids remain in touch with your former in-laws, you need to work out the modalities, especially if they live in a different state or city. They could for instance meet your kids during your ex’s visitation schedules or if all parties are comfortable, your ex in-laws can meet your kids on school occasions, have lunch with them at your home or even take them out for the day. In all this, the level of interaction would depend on the kind of relationship you share with your former in-laws after the divorce. If things are not that great and you wish to remain in touch only so that your kids can benefit from love of the grandparents, meeting times can be arranged during visitation hours with your ex. On the other hand if you and your previous in-laws continue to share a warm relationship, they can meet their grandchildren at your place by all means.

If your divorce has been an amicable parting, then you and your kids can pick up your relationship with your former in-laws after a brief rest. However if your divorce was a messy affair, then it may be better to let the dust settle for a while before you initiate any contact with them.

However it is best to keep in mind that because a divorce impacts whole family networks, it has a way of compelling people to take sides. Thus even if you wish to remain in touch, your former in-laws may decide to do nothing with you if they think you caused the breakup or hurt their child in any way. This can be especially painful if you have always had a close relationship with them or had become dependent on them for practical support. So if your overtures at renewing contact are politely ignored, it is best that you take the hint and try to more self-sufficient. Meanwhile if they can maintain an independent relationship with your kids, there may be no harm in allowing that.

What is more common in the aftermath of a divorce though is that families slowly begin to separate. You may find that without your ex in the picture, you have very little to relate to your former in-laws. So beyond the minimum courtesy and civility of meeting at a bigger family gathering or exchange of Christmas cards, you gradually tend to drift apart. However like with human relationships, there is a good chance that this may not be mutual; at times while you make attempts for your kids to see more of their grandparents, they may vague but repeatedly decline but at other times you may be surprised to find a member of your ex’s family desperately trying to stay close to you when you’d prefer to let the distance grow. Thus unless you have kids who wish to remain in touch with their grandparents and this inclination is mutual, you can very well put up a polite distance between you and your ex.

At the other extreme of the spectrum are former in-laws who may have played an active role in your divorce, to the extent of having directly caused it. If you and your kids have been a victim of abuse at the hands of your in-laws, then it makes no sense in remaining in touch with them. Legally they may even have been barred from meeting you or your kids and rightly so, if they pose danger to the well-being of your family. In such circumstances you should remain careful not to give into emotional wheedling or blackmailing from your ex into letting him/her take your kids to meeting his/her parents. Don’t take any decisions without consulting your lawyer and always keep your own safety as well as that of your kids ahead of any social niceties.