If you Have Never Been in a Relationship

For all their promise of instant gratification, contemporary consumerist ideals very often only end up increasing the anxiety of people in society – you are somehow less than perfect not only if you do not have the latest cell phone, sports car, a seven-figure paycheck but also if you have don’t possess flawless skin or have never been in a relationship. The last often lies at the source of many an unhappy single and if you fall in this group too, here are a few things worth keeping in mind.

You have a long checklist

To a great extent, past experiences determine the kind of partner you are looking for and you probably have a mental list of traits and characteristics that a prospective partner must fulfil in order to find yourself falling in love with him/her. It is not necessary that you are consciously filtering out everybody; in fact this list is usually unconscious but it surely controls the person's desire to love someone. It is likely that your list of desirable traits in a potential partner is so long and varied that you are finding it difficult to meet someone who fulfils all those requirements. As a result you are probably restricting your chances of being in a relationship.

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You know exactly what you want

Many a time one hears words like ‘prioritizing’ and ‘compatibility’ in personal relationships which are supposed to prune away undesirable options in potential partners.  So even if you do not have a lengthy list of priorities in a partner, it is possible that the few ones you do have are unnaturally rigid. If you meet new people all the time yet never think them important enough to have a relationship, most probably the reason is having tight unconscious criteria for your future partner. You know exactly what you want in a partner and are not willing to compromise on your priorities. Thus you may be looking for someone who is well-read, owns his/her own house, holds Liberal opinions in politics and has no other liabilities. But if you meet someone who is all of this except the last, you would probably reject him because he is a divorce with kids. It is extremely rare to come upon a person who meets your criteria exactly and in the order of importance you want. If you have been keeping your criteria inflexible like this, it could be one of the reasons why you have never fallen in love.

You have trust issues

An inability to trust is perhaps the most common reason why many are unable to be in a relationship despite falling in love now and then and even have a satisfying dating life. Having been hurt in the past by your loved ones may be putting you off from settling down in an exclusive relationship. And this is especially true of those who have suffered some kind of abuse or trauma in the past. When you are betrayed by the very person you believed would never hurt you, all other relationships – present and future – become colored through the prism of suspicion and negative expectations. Or else the memory of the traumatic experience of the past is so painful that the victim feels that he/she can never forget it or trust anybody ever again. The only way to get rid of this outlook is to understand that not everyone is unworthy of trust and if you have been betrayed in the past, it is not necessary that it will happen again. If you have been abused or traumatized in the past, you need to give yourself time to heal; but if you find that it is too much to do alone, by all means you should take professional help from a therapist or a counselor.

Low self esteem

Being in a relationship not only entails giving a special place to someone special in your life, but also finding that you are special to him/her. However if you suffer from low self-esteem, you may believe that you are just not worthy of being loved, that you don’t have anything that will make you special to someone. And once you begin thinking like this, you are bound to shy away from all opportunities that could help you form a stable relationship. Worse still, when someone actually comes and asks you out and shows an interest in you, it is likely that you consider it all a mistake and push the person away – whether overtly or unconsciously. In the end you deprive yourself of a chance to be in mutually satisfactory relationship.

You don’t have the time

Being in a relationship is not the same as falling in love – the fact that relationships take work is now bandied about so often that it has become a cliché but still that does not lessen its relevance. sometimes not being in a relationship is simply the consequence of not having enough time, energy or patience to invest in a partnership. This is especially true of people who are juggling work and family as a single parent or those working overtime to reach the top of their professional ladder. in order to be in a relationship, you would need to spare time meet new singles from varied backgrounds but also invest enough effort to build and nurture the relationship.

Finally keep in mind that the notion of being in a relationship is highly overrated in modern society. part of this comes from unrealistic associations of the concept of one and true love where two people have completely identical likes and dislikes or the exact same hopes and dreams for future. not only is this idea completely fantastic, it may actually be a convenient way of avoiding the reality of the inevitability of human imperfection and change. in the end the only source of satisfaction and happiness lies wthin a person and not outside him/her – so if you believe that being in a relationship will help you avoid loneliness or make good troubling issues, think again. it is not only possible to lead a completely satisfactory life as a single, but indeed rushing to take on the responsibility of a partner’s happiness and troubles – as is expected in a relationship – when there are your own issues to be resolved, is almost sure to lead to conflict. thus not having been in a relationship is not something to ‘fix’; instead work on your own self-worth, meet new people and do the things you enjoy – sooner or later you are bound to meet someone who will be open to sharing the same things you love but till then be happy on your own.