When your Girlfriend is Afraid of Sex

Sexual intimacy is a natural part of a healthy, mutually satisfying adult relationship. However sometimes a partner can seem to be less enthusiastic on this front. If you have a girlfriend who is great in all other ways but inexplicably fears sex – even though you are in a reasonably happy relationship – here are a few aspects worth looking into.

Cultural conditioning

In some cultures, having sex before marriage is taboo and restrictions may operate in a multiple of ways – in some societies sex with someone you are not married to can be looked upon as a grave sin while in others such a notion can be extended to one where the woman is thought to have brought shame and dishonor upon her family by her expression of sexuality. if your girlfriend belongs to such a culture, the prospect of having sex with you outside marriage naturally brings all her fears about sin, morality and family honor to the surface – she would much rather avoid a natural act of love than wade through these treacherous waters. Even though your partner may be now living in an emancipated society, years of conditioning may be difficult to let go of at once. If this is the case with you, gentle words and patience is your best bet to reassure her that it is alright for a woman to express her desires – tell her that if she does so you will not think of her as having loose morals and indeed you will love her all the more for it. Don’t call your girlfriend a prude or force her to watch porn in an attempt to make her want sex – these will only backfire and she may retreat further back into her shell.

Fear of pregnancy

The prospect of being saddled with an unwanted pregnancy is another common cause where women despite being in happy relationships seem to avoid sex. While birth control has come a long way since herbs and potions acted as a morning-after pill, some women may still dread the possibility of getting pregnant and in case of your girlfriend, this fear may be accentuated by the fact that you both are not yet married. So apart from the fear of an unwanted pregnancy, there is also the worry of conceiving and perhaps later of having to undergo an abortion when you are not even husband and wife. if your partner comes from a culture where attitudes towards unwed mothers is particularly vicious or if she has seem someone in her family – a sister, cousin or aunt perhaps – having to go through a botched up abortion or hasty and unhappy marriage because of an unwanted pregnancy, her fears about having sex with you would be greater. In order to repel them, you can sit down and have a talk about birth control. If she is comfortable, take her to a doctor or a Planned Parenthood clinic where healthcare professionals can impart information on the latest in contraception. Certain measures like using a diaphragm or taking the Pill can give her the feeling of having greater control over her own fertility and hence more confident of enjoying sexual intimacy.

On a deeper level, your girlfriend’s fear of sex could be an indirect result of a low libido. It is likely that she has an anatomical feature like a thick hymen or a narrow vaginal opening which make for painful sex. Very often physiological changes in the body have a negative impact on a person’s libido so that couples may find their sex drives differing from one another. Pregnancy and lactation are known to release certain hormones which make women want lesser sex at these times. Similarly the birth of a child and the burden of infant care may put new mothers off sex till their bodies have healed and are stronger. Premenstrual syndrome and menopausal changes are other conditions which may lead to a loss of libido in women. Sometime weight issues and changes in body size can also be at the root of sexual disharmony. And when sex becomes problematic or uncomfortable for a woman, it is only natural that she would want to avoid it; in such a situation if you put too much pressure on her, she would end up being afraid of any intimate encounter with you. Again there are various types of drugs whose after effects may cause a loss of libido. Thus the partner taking such medication may want lesser sex while the other person may not be able to understand this waning of desire. Ask you healthcare provider of the impact on your sex life if your girlfriend is taking birth control pills, antidepressants, sedatives, anti-seizure drugs or painkillers.

Sexual abuse

One of the most significant causes of fear of sex is a history of sexual abuse. The most significant indicator of a sexually abusive past is perhaps an aversion to sexual intimacy. So if you feel that despite having a warm, fulfilling relationship otherwise, your girlfriend - inexplicably - keeps avoiding intimacy with you, it could mean she has been hurt in the past. Sexual abuse in childhood especially has a strong chance of being manifest as unwillingness to come close to a loved one. The memory of the physical trauma that she went through as a child, a teen or a young woman is often enough to make any thoughts of intimacy abhorrent or scary to the abused person, even as an adult. Under such circumstances, you need to check your sexual advances and wait for your partner to heal herself before she can be comfortable with you in an intimate setting. Let the other person know that even though you find her attractive and are deeply in love, you are willing to wait till the time she feels she can open up to you. When your partner realizes there is no pressure on her to engage in intimacy, she will be able to better sort out her feelings with regard to her unhappy past and the present relationship.

Take professional help

If you truly want to be with this woman but find yourself unable to cope with her emotional block regarding sex despite your sincerest efforts, the only way left is to seek professional past. A therapist or counselor will go a long way in helping your partner work her way through past issues and encourage her to take responsibility for her present. Other than that, seeing a counselor is necessary for you too since being forced to be the ‘understanding’ or ‘supportive’ partner in the relationship for over a time can take its toll. You might begin to feel that you have always been giving to the relationship and have got little in return. Also the nagging suspicion that you always fall for the ‘wrong’ kind of girl can have disastrous consequences on the relationship. Thus rather than give in to such negative thoughts, it is far better that you and your partner seek out someone who will be able to help you through a complex situation and move ahead to a mutually fulfilling relationship.