How to Date Someone Who Just Got out of a Relationship?
The end of a relationship is almost always difficult, no matter how long two people have been together. And then is there is the danger of succumbing to the temptation of a rebound relationship. However not everyone coming out of a relationship is incapable of an emotionally healthy new partnership. If you know what to expect and move ahead with caution, there is no reason why you cannot date someone who just got out of a relationship.
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Have realistic expectations
If you are dating someone who just broke up, it is crucial that you keep your expectations on a realistic level. Even if it was not a serious thing your partner had going on with his/her ex, the break-up is likely to leave them hurt and vulnerable. They may be depending on you to fill up the newly-created emptiness in their lives or even as a way to avoid facing the reality of the end of the previous relationship. Thus don’t expect your partner to act as pillar of emotional support for you or to give a lot to this relationship. They still need some time to get back their emotional bearings and your needs and priorities may not always come first with them. However if you feel that you have been doing all the giving in this relationship and your partner is simply with you as a means to cope with their recent breakup, then you need to ask him/her if they are truly ready for a new relationship. Perhaps they could take some time and think matters through or you could keep your dating to a purely companionable level.
Be prepared for emotional ups and downs
Just because a person has started dating again does not mean that he/she has completely put a failed relationship behind them. Thus you may find your partner crossing an entire spectrum of emotions and wildly swinging from one mood to another. He/she may be celebrating their new-found love one moment and the very next, grieving over the fact that things didn’t work out in the previous relationship. Try not to take it personally when they are occasionally feeling blue or appear to be missing their ex. This does not necessarily mean that they want to go back to their exes; it is only a part of the normal process of coming to terms with the breakup.
Establish certain boundaries
However if you find your partner go on ruminating about the ex or using you as a sounding board for replaying what went wrong, it may be time to establish certain ground rules. Let your partner know how much you are willing to process with them over the ex and speak up when they don’t respect that limit. Once in a while it may be alright for your partner to give vent to suppressed feelings in your company and indeed it may cathartic as well. But using you merely as a shoulder to cry on and completely neglecting your needs and expectations reeks of selfish and immature behavior. In fact this is one of the classic symptoms of an unhealthy rebound relationship. Thus while you may be willing to hold your partner’s hand during this difficult time, it is always better to clarify mutual expectations and desires in a complex relationship of this kind.
Take it slow
It is always better to move with caution when you begin dating a person who has just got out of a bad relationship. He/she may still be trying to work through emotions of hurt, anger and loss. On the other hand, if it is a broken marriage that your partner is trying to put behind, apart from years of emotional investment, he/she may be struggling with legal and financial issues of alimony, child support, visitation rights and so on. Thus it is highly unlikely your partner will be ready to enter into a serious commitment with you. In fact even if he/she feels ready, it may not be a wise thing to do. Because of the love and support your partner is receiving from you, he/she may be willing to over-commit but at this time their emotional, and perhaps financial, resources are quite strained and you may eventually find your partner unable to fulfill the commitments and then get even more stressed as a consequence of failed promises to you. Rather try to enjoy mutual interests at this stage, build up a reserve of comfort, trust and pleasant companionship instead of rushing ahead to emotional dependency.
Have patience
Ideally it is better to avoid being involved with someone who is struggling with their own emotional complexities and especially being drawn into a rebound relationship. However If you really believe that this person is the one for you, it is better to realize at the outset, that there will be ups and downs. This is because the process of letting go of unhappy past relationship is a long, complex and the path is never a linear one. You will have to take each day as it comes and dig into all your reserves of patience when your partner goes through emotional fluctuations. You will often have to act as a pillar of emotional support since your partner is still trying to find his/her emotional balance. At one point you may even find that you are giving more to this relationship than you have been receiving. Here is becomes important to take care of yourself as well.
It may be necessary to evaluate your own needs and expectations in the relationship and see if they always come last. If this happens, it may be time to restore the lack of balance and put yourself first. You could take a little breather from the relationship and indulge in the things you enjoy. This will give both you and your partner the emotional distance required to examine where your relationship is headed and whether you two want the same things out of life.
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