When the Woman you're Dating has Many Male Friends

Living in a social context, it is inevitable that each person develops over time a circle of family, friends and other contacts. So it is with the person you are dating. Indeed as women don increasing number of roles – a friend, daughter, partner, professional, volunteer – the number of people they know are bound to rise. However if you find that the people your girlfriend hangs out with are overwhelmingly male, it could give rise to some serious negative feelings on your part. But here are a few options you can explore and arrive at a working solution.

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How much is too much?

If you believe that the woman you are dating has too many male friends, first get the numbers right. Men typically feel threatened when their partners have a slew of male friends, but in many cases there might be nothing to worry at all. Most educated and professional women are bound to have five or six men among their list of friends and social contacts. It comes as a result of years of studying or working together and keeping in touch even after you are no longer co-workers or batch-mates. However if the fingers on both your hands do not suffice for counting your girl’s male friends - real friends, not the mile long list on Facebook -, it could be a rather awkward matter for you. Still before jumping to conclusions about her potential for faithfulness; consider whether her work or lifestyle severely limits the number of women she comes in contact with. If the woman you are dating is a surgeon, an airline pilot or a highly skilled computer programmer, it is only natural for her to have more male contacts than female ones. And the reason she hangs out with them after working hours could be because she likes discussing work or has similar values. Then again if your girlfriend is into hobbies like fishing or carpentry which do not attract women in large numbers, it is likely that the only people she gets to discuss her interests with are men. It could also be possible that your girlfriend grew up with several brothers and their friends and so continues to feel comfortable among male friends.

How often does she hang out with them

Your girlfriend may have several male friends but it does not necessarily mean that she is meeting them all the time. Many women like to keep the phone numbers and addresses of people they knew from long ago – they reason that one never knows when they might need their help. So if you are basing your judgment of your girlfriend’s social life on her thick address book or lengthy phone contact list, stop to think again. Does she hang out with them several times a week and more importantly does she disconnect your calls or interrupt you to speak to them? If the answer to these questions is ‘no’, then probably she is one of those people who just like to feel that they know many people and can call them up whenever they want.

Clarify things early on

If you are still in the early stages of dating, this is the time to decide whether you want to continue meeting this woman. If you find nothing amiss in her behavior towards you despite her having many male friends, you can look forward to getting to know her better. However accept the fact that you're going to be sharing her with other guys from the start, or else you're bound to be unhappy later on. Most importantly don't ask her to stop being friends with these men later when you are already in a relationship – that is unfair since you already knew about her extensive social circle and that could even be grounds for a break up. However if you are attracted to her but are uncomfortable with the fact that she has so many male friends, ask her about them. Invite her to tell you how they became friends, how long they've been friends and how frequently they meet up. Clarifying these matters will help you to relax when she is out with her male friends or chatting on the net with them. At the same time, she will be relieved to have you know about them and thus avoid any chances of ill-placed jealousy.

Get them on your side

If you feel that there is nothing in your girlfriend’s behaviour to indicate that the guys are more than friends, then encourage her to introduce them to you. This move has several potential benefits – for one she will appreciate the fact that you are interested in her friends and are even willing to socialize with them. For another, it will send her male friends the message that she is your partner and they should have no hopes about replacing you. However when interacting with your girlfriend’s guy friends don’t behave in a jealous or possessive manner. Rather act like you're interested in their lives, joke around with them and always treat your girlfriend extra nice when they're all around. Get them onto your side and this will serve you well in future when you need a good word put through to your girlfriend on your behalf.

Thrash out issues

However if you feel that the male friends of your partner are more in the nature of exes and she is overly familiar with them, you might want to have a word with her. She could be behaving like this in a mistaken attempt to raise her ‘market value’ before you and push you towards a commitment; or it could simply be that she is the flirtatious type and needs to be surrounded by a crowd of male admirers to feel happy. Either way, tell her that you are uncomfortable with the way she interacts with other men. Don’t demand that she drop her male friends immediately or that she choose between the other guy and you. Rather explain to her during a quiet chat that she will have to set clear boundaries between her social interactions and personal relationships.