Dating Men After 40 - How Picky Can you Afford to Be?

Priorities change over time – both in the social and personal context. As you reach a certain position in your career or public world, you realize that you want different things from a partner and in a relationship as compared to ten years back. Probably because you have lesser time to experiment or have had your fill of looking around. And yet being too choosy about who you see can negatively affect chances of a successful relationship. So really how picky can you afford to be when dating men in your forties and beyond.

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It is important to get priorities right

The forties are a time when single women tend to start thinking more seriously about their personal lives. Till now, probably your career came first for you or you were taking things in your stride in personal relationships – going out with guys just for a lark even though there was nothing substantial to attract him to you. However as you step into middle age, you may wish things to take a more specific direction in your life. And one of the most effective ways of doing this is to take stock of your priorities. Before you start dating, think about what you want from a relationship since this in turn will help you date the kind of guys you are most likely to hit off with. Maybe after years of a serious relationship or marriage, dating for fun with no-strings attached could be just what you need and thus don’t mind if you see a particular guy on a less frequent basis. On the other hand it is possible that you have had your fill of fun and games and now are looking for a serious relationship. This will warrant your seeking out a man who is looking for the same things in a relationship as you. Setting your priorities straight in life will help you avoid mistakes which could prove to be too costly since after your forties you have lesser time to experiment and especially bounce back from failed relationships.

Intellectual compatibility is important

Successful women in their forties and later are most likely to have a certain measure of professional or even intellectual competence which is responsible for helping them do well in their careers. For the singles among them it would only be natural to look for partners who are compatible on a mental or intellectual level – in other words men with who they can discuss art, culture, politics, business and things happening across the world. This is not to imply that a romantic or sexual relationship is not possible between partners with different IQ levels, but mutual interests, hobbies and topics of conversation go a long way in keeping a couple together after the initial euphoria of sexual passion has subsided. For this reason many women after forty seek a level of intellectual compatibility in their partners or at least an assurance of thinking
and living on the same wavelength.

While being conscious of your priorities in life is important, if your checklist hasn’t changed in the last ten years, then probably you are being too choosy.  When you started dating it is likely you had a list of all the kinds of guys you wouldn’t be caught dead with, like somebody who wore green or parted his hair in the middle.  But if the all-important list hasn’t been edited in the last ten years, you are probably holding on to rather skewed notions of what is important in a partner. Since priorities change over time, consider the fact that what mattered terribly when you very young should not continue to hold your current priorities hostage. For instance in your twenties, you may have discounted all men who had children from previous marriages or drove tiny cars. But now you may come across someone who makes you feel good about yourself and yet is a single dad. At this stage of your life examine what you really need from a relationship and stick to that. This will not only prevent you from being picky about unnecessary things but will help you to be clear on what exactly are your expectations from a potential partner.

Then again while intellectual compatibility is important, avoid the fallacy of rejecting each guy simply because he does not conform to your “type”. You may think this is a good way of saving time and energy instead of wasting a perfecting nice Saturday evening and then finding out you have nothing in common with your date. After all if you are passionate about chess and your idea of an idyllic afternoon is solving Sudoku puzzles why should you look at someone who is avowedly not the “intellectual” type? Because he may have some other quality way more important in a relationship. A guy who is otherwise not too keen to accompany you to science conventions may still wow you with his wit and keep your family in splits with his zany sense of humor. Finally you just might decide that a man who can see the funnier side of life is worth more as a companion that someone who merely sees you as a sounding board for his philosophical ideas.

While the internet has come as a boon for busy forty-plus single women looking for partners through dating websites, one of the unforeseen consequences has been to give rise to unrealistic expectations. Since you get to know several things about a person – his height, color of eyes, hobbies and profession – even before you meet him or contact him on a one-to-one basis, you find it easier to focus on faults and to dismiss him as unsuitable. Thus while online dating has expanded the dating pool, it may also have encouraged singles to be more picky than while first meeting in real life. Don’t allow yourself to fall into this trap and give your date a chance to reveal his character in real life before deciding whether you are compatible or not.

A shrinking dating pool is no longer a serious concern for women eager to date after forty. If the nice guys around their ages have all been taken, women can very well look for younger men who are less likely to be in committed relationships and more likely to bring goodies like sex and youth to the dating table. However one should keep in mind the obvious fact that you cannot keep rejecting guys forever, waiting for the ‘magic’ to strike you. while sexual attraction and mutual compatibility are important factors in serious relationships, dating is more about exploring your options and making the best possible use of opportunities to find love in life.