Dating Someone in a Wheel Chair
A crippling injury is one of the most fearful things to happen to anyone. But though a person can eventually get around to fact that he/she is simply lucky to be alive, it is less easy to be seen as a sexually desirable and hence a potential romantic partner in a wheelchair. However if you have met such a person and wish to know him/her better or are generally wondering how it would be to date someone in a wheelchair, here are a few things to keep in mind.
You are dating the person, not the wheelchair
When you are going out with your partner, don’t put all your focus on his/her being in a wheelchair. If he/she is ready to date, in all likelihood he/she knows well enough to manage their condition too. Thus don’t be fussy or extra-solicitous towards your date. Behave with him/her as you would do with any other person. Constantly jumping up to ‘aid’ them or fussing about them can make them feel patronized and disempowered. Don’t go out with someone in a wheelchair under the mistaken impression that he/she needs to be cared, cheered up or looked after. At the same time though, be aware that they may need some assistance during the date. This may include holding the door open for them, assisting them while getting in or out of a car and helping them getting their coat on or off – in other words, the very same things you would do for anyone else that you were trying to impress.
Be prepared for negative reactions
While you may think nothing of dating someone in a wheelchair, do not expect the same of society at large. If you are out with your wheelchair bound partner, it is very likely that there will be stares and whispers from people wherever you go. If you have chosen a public place like a movie theater or restaurant, prepare yourself mentally for negative reactions from some people around. If you are unsure of how to react to particularly loud whisper or a nasty comment, take your cue from your partner. If he/she ignores it, do the same; but if your date makes a joke of it, join in and laugh it away.
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Choose the venue with care
If you plan to visit a museum or a theater, ensure beforehand that the venue has a ramp and other facilities like a washroom for the disabled. Even something like dancing which many couples take for granted in a date might be difficult for your partner. Instead organize your date around activities which don’t involve much of a physical strain like going to a movie, a concert or an art gallery. If you would like to be in the outdoors, a visit to the zoo or a nature park can be a good idea as these are places where you can rest intermittently and simply enjoy the view. At the same time these days there are more and more people in wheelchairs who are rediscovering the joys of sports like basketball, racing, swimming and dancing. So it is not like you can never have any fun with your date in physical activities – however to what extent you both can do so would depend upon factors like your date’s degree of disability, his/her facility with the wheelchair, the presence of wheelchair sports infrastructure in your town or city and finally how well he/she has been trained by a coach. Disabled men are encouraged to develop their physical prowess as a means of preserving their sense of masculinity. However keep in mind that sometimes this tendency can go overboard and result in what is known as a "supercrip" or someone who places extreme emphasis on developing some exceptional physical or intellectual power.
Talk about it, if your partner wishes
One of the most difficult things about dating someone in a wheelchair is the awkwardness in conversation - not knowing whether you should talk about it. Here it is again best to take your cue from your partner. If he/she brings it up, feel free to discuss your partner’s physical condition. In fact talking about something as personal as the loss of a limb can actually bond people together in a relationship. If you are thinking in terms of a relationship, it will help you both to gauge each other’s values and priorities in life and whether you are mutually compatible. At the same time, resist the urge to ask umpteen number of questions about his/her condition. This will not only make you come off as rude and intrusive but also obsessive about someone else’s disability.
Acquire a positive approach
In a culture obsessed with physical perfection and beauty, it is hard for a person in a wheelchair to maintain a positive self-image. It is likely that from time to time they may start thinking of themselves as somehow inferior to a person with intact limbs and thus as less attractive. They may ask themselves, "why should anyone be interested in me when there are so many people who can walk on their own?” Likewise your friends and family may view your partner weak or a possible burden on you, physically or even financially. For all these reasons when dating someone in a wheelchair it is important that you should retain a positive approach. For instance compliment your girlfriend on her hairdo or mention to your boyfriend that the jacket suits him very well. Mention to your less-than-happy friends and family how happy your partner makes you instead of letting him/her become the object of pity. However make it a point not to say anything to your date that you don’t mean deep down in your heart. If you lie, then your partner will see you as insincere and patronizing, traits which are hardly welcome in a meaningful relationship.
Give it time
When dating someone in a wheelchair, don’t be in a rush to move things forward. Allow the relationship to develop at its own pace and avoid trying to force anything, especially intimacy, too soon. This is because disabled people are generally wary of how they will appear to their partners in an intimate situation since notions of selfhood in human society are so intricately wound up with physical perfection, your partner may be hesitant to move your relationship to the intimate level. Also there may be trust issues wherein your partner may be hesitant to allow him/herself to open up to you for fear of being vulnerable or rejected.
However when you do reach a stage in your relationship where you would like to get intimate, let things proceed naturally. Wheelchair bound people can and often do have active sex lives, though there may be some physical and mental adjustments to be made, not least of which involve the attitudes of many able-bodied people that disabled men and women are or should be asexual.
Practical considerations
If you are looking for a more committed relationship with your partner, consider certain practical issues. Foremost of these is whether you can support your partner financially and physically. Disabled people traditionally have a higher unemployment rate than their able-bodied counterparts, and even those who are employed often work in less prestigious positions with lower pay. Even in a highly developed country like United States, disabled employees earn at or below 70% of non‐disabled employees, according a UN publication1. Also consider whether you would not mind certain constraints in socializing and traveling if you start living with your partner.
However what your partner may lack in mobility, he/she would be likely to more than make up with a deeper insight into life and a keener zest for living. Above all, a person in a wheelchair would start dating only after he/she is sure of managing his/her condition so that any relationship that follows is not spoiled by physical or financial dependency but based on equal emotional give and take.
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