Dating Someone Who is Friends with their Ex

Mature dating makes space for a partner to have his/her own interests and friendships – indeed this individuality may even comprise part of the attraction of an partner since whoever wants to date an exact clone of him/herself ! But what if this involves your date wanting to hang out with his/her ex every other weekend? Here are a few tips on how to behave when dating someone who is still friends with an ex.

Look at the hard evidence

First ask yourself if you merely suspect that your date is still friends with an ex or if you have actual proof of your partner’s intentions to remain in touch with him/her. Little things which could look out for are random photos hidden in the drawer or frequent emails between your partner and the ex. It is one thing to keep memorabilia stashed away in a box hidden away in the bottom of a closet or the attic and quite another to find clothes and accessories belonging to the ex lying about at your partner’s place in reasonably accessible places. If your date is open about being friends with an ex, there may be calls and emails exchanged on a weekly basis. But what may be actually worrisome is lying about those calls or finding your partner taking those calls even though he/she keeps saying how annoying they are.

Ask your partner about it

This is the simplest approach to take if you are uncomfortable with your date still being friends with an ex. Once you have chosen the right time and place to have a talk, discuss the matter; this can go two ways – either he/she will admit to being in touch with an ex but purely on a friendly level or express surprise and insists that he/she has no idea what you are talking about. In case of the former you can do little other than accepting your date’s claims at face value but in case of the latter, you can go on to  mention the class schedule of the ex which are still lying among his/her papers or the weekly phone calls that go on for more than a quarter of an hour. However be sure to discuss your concerns in a casual and collected manner without appearing to accuse your date of being unfaithful or a two-timing jerk. Keep in mind that dating is not on the same level of commitment as a relationship and it could be that your partner is merely testing the waters of the dating pool and does not see getting rid of other friendships as a pre-requisite for an active social life.

Consider particular circumstances

Once you bring out your concerns in the open, possibly your date will see your point of view and come clean on the dynamics of their relationship. It could be that your date and the ex continue to meet are because of common work areas. If the ex is your partner’s co-worker or if they share the same office building, it will not be unusual for them to come across each other occasionally. Or if they have been members of the same book club for several years, it may not be easy for them to totally abandon something they believe in because of their personal problems. So before you jump to conclusions about your date’s sincerity see if any particular circumstances compel your partner and his/her ex to bump into each other now and then.

Explore intentions

No matter how difficult it may be for your date to completely avoid his/her ex, the issue here is whether the occasional encounters are accidental in nature or whether they are being planned to some extent. Unfortunately where intentions are concerned, the only person who can say anything with certainty is the one whose intentions are involved. And human emotions being what they are, it is never clear where coincidence stops and intention begins. However if you feel uncomfortable about the fact that your date should want to continue to keep in touch with an ex, by all means you are within your right to ask him/her about it.

Decide what you will and will not accept

Though every relationship has its own equations, there are certain limits which if crossed, signal trouble. If your partner takes umpteen number of calls from the ex even on a date with you or plans for more than a few lunch dates with him/her in a month, then you may want to discuss what behavior is not acceptable to you. If your partner and his/her ex were actually friends, the latter would be more understanding of your partner’s personal life rather than continuing to barge into it. In fact the ‘we’re still friends’ card could actually be a cover for your partner’s continuing involvement with a previous relationship, explore the reasons for it. He/she may not have truly got over it or perhaps the ex wants you to know that the two of them have a history together. Or it may simply mean that your partner does not feel the need to choose between you and the ex and enjoys having his/her cake and eating it too.

Finally, handle the situation with patience and a calm head. Remember that the ex may still be in touch with your partner but there is a reason that he/she is the ex and you, the date. There must have been a good cause why your partner broke up with him/her and most likely the reason is still valid. Right now you are the person that your partner has chosen to go out with you; so make use of your position to gently remind your date of the attraction you both share, the fun you have with each other and why it is better to let the ex be where he/she belongs – in the past.